If It Doesn’t Get Scheduled..

Hello Everyone!

I’m just going to get right to it, now I am not sure when, where or how I came by this saying but it was to become a pivotal game changer for me in the scheme called my life.’ if doesn’t get scheduled, it doesn’t get done!’ and for me that was true and still is to a certain degree. Mostly because I have not accepted that I cannot remember  everything  in absolute fine detail. Such as appointments, meetings, Schedules, Feedback, Reports and conversations with numerous people throughout my work day (and sometimes my private life). Unless it is documented somewhere like a diary, my phone or a post stick note, everything merges into one and quite honestly I am exhausted trying to hold it all together. The expectation that you have to be available to everything and everybody 24/7 is now taking it’s toll. I am tired of this imposition and intrusion that is taking place in my life. The lines are blurred and I am struggling to gain back something of what I recognise as living!

At this point, I am looking back and reflecting on a lot of things and so far and I am willing to share with you that I am not happy with where I am at right now. It hasn’t been all bad but my work/life balance is so far off kilter that I am not sure where to begin. I wish I could be doing something that is fulfilling and makes me happy. Yes I know this feeling is true for a lot of us, however I am seriously looking for a solution as to how I can achieve this. In my search I have come to the realisation that I have not really planned for anything long term. I was prolific at dreaming and imagining as a child, a trait that I never truly let go of. But growing up and being told that what I was dreaming about was not realistic and could not possibly happen left me discouraged. In so doing, I let life  happen to me and accepted whatever appeared to be my lot in life, that was until my daughter came along.

With her in  my life I had a major epiphany! I realised that things needed to change…I needed to change! I did not have a clue how I was going to manage , but I was determined that she would not be told that her dreams  were impossible. So here I am aged fifty and my daughter is doing really well. She is pursuing her dreams and imagining where she would like to be and the kind of life she wants to live(She is 23 and a Civil engineering student).

And what have I learnt so far?  Well apart from ignoring people who do not understand your potential, I have learnt that Life keeps happening regardless of whether you are a willing participant or not. Terrible things happen to all of us at some points in our lives and it really is just about how you deal with it. Not all of us can rise to the occasion and that is ok. It is not a competition, it is all about growing and we all do so at different rates.

This next statement is a cause of much anxiety for me because very few people know this about me… I was diagnosed with clinical depression about twenty years ago now and as much as I value the good friends that I have and my  family.  Only a few knew  about my condition and the struggles that I have had with it. The shock, surprise and the shame that came with this diagnosis led me to keep my own counsel on certain matters within my life and I withdrew into myself a lot. Many people would not know because I am an extrovert introvert (seriously it is a thing, google it).

I started to think about those things that kept me connected and sane during the early days of my diagnosis. I went for regular walks because the change of scenery  really helped to clear my head. I had always wanted to be a writer of some kind when  I was younger. And in later years I found that journalling became the  activity  that helped me to say things in a place where I would  be heard, understood and not  judged. Meditating and yoga served to help me to centre myself and gain a sense of calm. These were just some of the practices that I engaged in, in an effort to recover myself.

Over the years I have managed little by little  to coming back to a sense of feeling like myself again. One of the things that I have come to appreciate about myself is that I am more of a straight talker now than I have ever been. Time is short and I really do not want to waste it. Also I have learnt to be with myself and enjoy my own company. Now that is not to say that I do not enjoy the company of others. Actually It means that if I choose to spend time with you I really want to be in your company, however if it is an activity that I am not at ease with, I will say..that’s all.

My dilemma right now is that I did not realise how much I had become so distracted with the expectations from my role at work. The experience so far has become one that is now intense(not in an enjoyable kind of way) and very intrusive. The lines are so blurred and right now it is a struggle to re-draw the boundary lines of the job and my life. So what is the answer? Well I have spent more time than I care to mention looking at what I do not want. Now I need to look at what I do want and it is proving a little difficult to state in clear terms what that is. However, I am working on it. One thing I do know is that it feels really good to be writing again ,and while I will be figuring out what makes for a happy and content life, let me know what thoughts you have on this, or what you  are doing or have done to make your life more fulfilled. I look forward to hearing  from you, until then…

Take care for now

AZ

I’M BACK!

HELLO!

Oh my goodness! It has been far too long and I have missed you all so much.” Where have you  been?” I hear you cry.  Well that’s a very, very good question,to which I do not have a very clear cut answer. Let’s just say that ‘stuff’ got in the way and I have been trying to find my way back, and now I’m back! It’s not easy to recover from a lack of confidence. You know that you have great  potential, but no matter what you do, things seem to never work out. *big sigh*

I am really looking forward to sharing with you all the latest endeavours I will be embarking on. I wish you well, and may all Beings be happy.

AZ20150818_173934

I Wish…

Happy Sunday!!!!

I am going to work today *sigh*…don’t feel sorry for me. I brought this on myself.  Chocolates and Starbucks coffee was thrown into the mix and I caved! So here I am having breakfast and wishing I had done otherwise, when this tune popped into my head. Now whilst the lyrical content isn’t relevant to my situation right now, the wishing part definitely is (LOL).

Have a fantastic day everyone and thanks for stopping by.

AZ (*__*) xyz

NB. DISCLAIMER: No copyright infringement intended.

I’m Got That Feelin’!

Hi Guys!

The summer in good olde London Town has been great so far!  We longed for the sun and now that it’s here  (the heat), we’re not quite prepared for it. I am grateful though and definitely making the most of it. This song reminds me of the heady days of summer back in the day. You do not have to be of any particular  age to appreciate a good beat and a wicked guitar rift!

Enjoy!

AZ xyz  (* __*)

DISCLAIMER: No copyright infringement intended.

My Week That Was…What a Heatwave!

Hello Everybody!

Welcome to another ‘My Week That Was’, now as you can see by the dates I am just a little behind with my schedule. But that was due to sickness, so I forgive you for judging me (LOL!). This particular week was pretty full on, so much so that I had to give Saturday a separate posting which you can see later. So it’s great to see you and it’s wonderful when you like what I have posted. I do look forward to some comments though, I have only had two so far.  Anyway, enjoy!

Monday 15/07/13

It was exceptionally hot and for the first time in almost six years I seriously considered visiting a swimming pool. I took my swimsuit out and tried it on and I just about got into it!. I quickly got over how I looked because the weather had become  far too hot for me to care and so off I went to Clapham Leisure Centre .

Seriously, there was no way you were going to see me in a swimsuit!

Tuesday 16/07/13  My M.O.T. Day (* _ *)

In the morning I attended a Foot Clinic (no, there’s no fungal growth involved eeeuh!), and in the afternoon  I had some dental work done.

Wednesday 17/07/13  Ballin’ on a Budget

So I’m heading to my local barber shop to ‘get ma her did’, this is before…

…and this is after. Looking gooood! Hahahaha! Well it certainly felt great.

My daughter ‘needed’ to replace, update, add to her wardrobe. So I went along simply because I like spending time with her and we do have fun. We made our way to Oxford Street, W1. It’s never a good idea to go window shopping or any kind of shopping feeling hungry.  So we stopped off at Wasabi to get some sushi & sashimi and we took our lunch to a Soho Square, where a lot of other people had the same idea.

Once we were fed and watered, we made our way to Primark, at the Totteham Court Road end.

Cheyenne was super organised on this shopping trip and she picked out what she wanted and we were out of there quicker than I had expected. Before heading home, we got our obligatory caffeine fix at Starbucks, where we were served by what appeared to be an amish rastafarian!!

Thursday 18/07/13  Picnic with the Girls

After work I called Cheyenne and told her to meet me for an impromptu picnic up the road from where we live. One of her close friends, Alice, joined us as well.

 

MWTW

Friday 19/07/13  Work

Saturday 20/07/13

I will be featuring what I did on this day in a seperate post.

Thanks for stopping by.

AZ xx

Oeuf En Cocotte (JUNE Catch Up)

Greetings Everyone!

Monday 03/06/13

During my lunch break, I took a stroll to try and shake off a headache I felt coming on. I was working in East Dulwich and I found myself walking down Northcross Road. I hadn’t been here for a while and I soon discovered that there was a new place to eat called The Duck Egg Cafe. I placed my order to go, and got talking to the proprietor. There was a leaflet offering bread making classes and I was curious about it. I mentioned that I baked a little and somehow we got unto the subject of duck eggs and the fact that I had never tasted one. He then offered me half a dozen to try, I was speechless at his generosity and here is what I did with a couple of them.

I loosely followed a recipe by my favourite chef, Rachel Khoo, it can be found on the BBC website under ‘Eggs in pots’. There are also other recipes that were featured on her mini series, My Little Paris Kitchen. If, like me, you’ve become a big fan and would like to have all the recipes she has written so far, then I recommend that you visit Amazon , where you can buy a copy of one or all of her books!

I just love these recipes, I have tried out quite a few and they have become firm favourites at home. Every time I make one of her dishes, it reminds me of my trips to Paris. So although we’ve never met, a  big ‘Thank You’ to Rachel Khoo.

See you soon

AZxx

I’m Gettin’ There

Hi Low!

I grew up in a time before the internet/world wide web…..let that sink in for a minute…..isn’t that incredible!  I remember the look on my daughter’s face when I told her this one day. She literally went pale, and if you have  seen photos of my daughter you’ll know that’s not easy to do!

“What did you do to find out information?” she asked

“I went to the local library” I said

In my forty odd years I have seen a lot of changes, and none more so than in the realm of technology. I am taking the time to appreciate what amazing opportunities it has given to someone like me, to be able to express myself in a way I couldn’t have imagined as a teenager growing up in London, back in the 80’s in particular. Now I’m still wrapping my head around the social  media fairground.  The thing is I had to give myself permission to get involved, I really liked some of  what I was seeing  but I didn’t think anyone would be interested in anything I had to say or share. As cheesy as it sounds, in the end I had to do this for me and not worry about what anyone else might  think. The surprising element of blogging for me was finding that I had become a part of a global community of people sharing their interests/hobbies/lives etc. mostly for the love of it (and I guess in some cases for money). The unexpected thing was having other bloggers like my postings, I cannot tell you how that has boosted my confidence, so thank you.

I still have a lot of work to do, so hopefully I will be up to speed before this month ends…Just kidding, (no I’m not ^ _ ^ )

Okay everyone I wish you well , thank you for stopping by, take care.

AZ xx

Happie Loves It (MAY Catch Up Part II)

Hey You!

How are you all? Are you good? Grrreat!  So I can’t sleep (it’s 12.50am), and the internet seem to be working in my favour, and I’m working like crazy to catch up with my Catch Up’s. This is the last of the May edition.

Friday 31/05/13 Covent Garden

The weather in London still hadn’t made up it’s mind as to what it wanted to be. So I left home with a padded jacket on because it was still quite chilly. Well! by the time I reached Covent Garden, the clouds had all but disappeared and the sun let it be known that it still had some serious heat to throw down. I was baking. My mission was to find a ‘Spring’ coat, and I found one, but it was not within my price range. Here it is:

The shop is called Happie Loves It and I have passed it a few times, but this was the first time that I had stepped inside to look around.   The staff were kind enough to let me take a photo of this coat and as much as I loved it, I had to  leave it, and all I have are these photos!

AZ xx

Blossoms (MAY Catch Up Part II)

Hello!

As you know I love flowers, and on this day (30/05/13), I walked past a school wall in East Dulwich and this sight stopped me in my tracks.

AZ xx