I’m just going to get right to it, now I am not sure when, where or how I came by this saying but it was to become a pivotal game changer for me in the scheme called my life.’ if doesn’t get scheduled, it doesn’t get done!’ and for me that was true and still is to a certain degree. Mostly because I have not accepted that I cannot remember everything in absolute fine detail. Such as appointments, meetings, Schedules, Feedback, Reports and conversations with numerous people throughout my work day (and sometimes my private life). Unless it is documented somewhere like a diary, my phone or a post stick note, everything merges into one and quite honestly I am exhausted trying to hold it all together. The expectation that you have to be available to everything and everybody 24/7 is now taking it’s toll. I am tired of this imposition and intrusion that is taking place in my life. The lines are blurred and I am struggling to gain back something of what I recognise as living!
At this point, I am looking back and reflecting on a lot of things and so far and I am willing to share with you that I am not happy with where I am at right now. It hasn’t been all bad but my work/life balance is so far off kilter that I am not sure where to begin. I wish I could be doing something that is fulfilling and makes me happy. Yes I know this feeling is true for a lot of us, however I am seriously looking for a solution as to how I can achieve this. In my search I have come to the realisation that I have not really planned for anything long term. I was prolific at dreaming and imagining as a child, a trait that I never truly let go of. But growing up and being told that what I was dreaming about was not realistic and could not possibly happen left me discouraged. In so doing, I let life happen to me and accepted whatever appeared to be my lot in life, that was until my daughter came along.
With her in my life I had a major epiphany! I realised that things needed to change…I needed to change! I did not have a clue how I was going to manage , but I was determined that she would not be told that her dreams were impossible. So here I am aged fifty and my daughter is doing really well. She is pursuing her dreams and imagining where she would like to be and the kind of life she wants to live(She is 23 and a Civil engineering student).
And what have I learnt so far? Well apart from ignoring people who do not understand your potential, I have learnt that Life keeps happening regardless of whether you are a willing participant or not. Terrible things happen to all of us at some points in our lives and it really is just about how you deal with it. Not all of us can rise to the occasion and that is ok. It is not a competition, it is all about growing and we all do so at different rates.
This next statement is a cause of much anxiety for me because very few people know this about me… I was diagnosed with clinical depression about twenty years ago now and as much as I value the good friends that I have and my family. Only a few knew about my condition and the struggles that I have had with it. The shock, surprise and the shame that came with this diagnosis led me to keep my own counsel on certain matters within my life and I withdrew into myself a lot. Many people would not know because I am an extrovert introvert (seriously it is a thing, google it).
I started to think about those things that kept me connected and sane during the early days of my diagnosis. I went for regular walks because the change of scenery really helped to clear my head. I had always wanted to be a writer of some kind when I was younger. And in later years I found that journalling became the activity that helped me to say things in a place where I would be heard, understood and not judged. Meditating and yoga served to help me to centre myself and gain a sense of calm. These were just some of the practices that I engaged in, in an effort to recover myself.
Over the years I have managed little by little to coming back to a sense of feeling like myself again. One of the things that I have come to appreciate about myself is that I am more of a straight talker now than I have ever been. Time is short and I really do not want to waste it. Also I have learnt to be with myself and enjoy my own company. Now that is not to say that I do not enjoy the company of others. Actually It means that if I choose to spend time with you I really want to be in your company, however if it is an activity that I am not at ease with, I will say..that’s all.
My dilemma right now is that I did not realise how much I had become so distracted with the expectations from my role at work. The experience so far has become one that is now intense(not in an enjoyable kind of way) and very intrusive. The lines are so blurred and right now it is a struggle to re-draw the boundary lines of the job and my life. So what is the answer? Well I have spent more time than I care to mention looking at what I do not want. Now I need to look at what I do want and it is proving a little difficult to state in clear terms what that is. However, I am working on it. One thing I do know is that it feels really good to be writing again ,and while I will be figuring out what makes for a happy and content life, let me know what thoughts you have on this, or what you are doing or have done to make your life more fulfilled. I look forward to hearing from you, until then…
Take care for now